My name is Shari and I'm a recovering perfectionist

Hi Shari!

As far as I know, this has not yet become another spin off from the 12 step program of AA, however it very well could be. I think it's safe to say that I'm not alone in this journey.

In kindergarten my teacher's feedback to my mom about me, was that I was too hard on myself and that I expected things to be perfect.

And so it begins!

A long chapter of

striving for perfection

at the cost of my

health & wellness.

It's an illusive target

that ends up being

truly exhausting.

Never mind that the

sweet nectar of life

that I was missing

resided in the messiness of life!

At some point over the past 35 years of sobriety I became acutely aware of this trait of mine and the cost I paid to carry it along with me, like an old friend who I didn't really vibe with any longer but didn't know how to say goodbye.

How does one recover from being a perfectionist? I began with trying to not use the word perfect. A small step in raising my awareness and being the observer of self. I also tried to be more mindful of my self talk. The next level was to turn inwards and explore my inner landscape. What were my expectations of myself and gulp, even others - in my life.

For it goes hand and hand. When I can learn to love myself at a deeper level, then I'm able to freely give that love to those around me. Insert any word for love here and the list is infinite; forgive, accept, be gentle to, relax with, etc, etc, etc.

The irony of this blog's focus is not lost on me. I strived to blog every Thursday. I kept up since September of last year for the most part and was in acceptance when I missed a week - for you know, I'm a recovering perfectionist. That was cute.

Yet now more than a month has flown by and here I am picking back up my writing. I veered from 'cute' to feeling off in the weeds. How do I pick it back up?

When my friend asked about my blog and said she'd been missing it, I replied 'geez, a lot of time has passed. We've been distracted with moving back into the house and remodeling it .... I like writing, have been thinking about the topic of perfectionism, but I'm not even sure if I've written about this already' she laughed and said, 'all the more reason to just pick it back up and with that exact topic!' Touché!

So how has this topic has been showing up in my daily life? Most of all, is with our remodel. We are taking our time and doing this one room at a time. So, when our son Matt came home from being in the Army - so proud of him! - with his adorable girlfriend Megan, I've had to remind myself that they just happened to show up when most of our home is far from where our vision lies.

The walls are uncharacteristically off white and if you know me, I live for color! We have some really fun ideas that are on the drawing board and I can't wait to be done. Patience grasshopper, patience.

So, where I really had to flex my muscle of acceptance and being gentle to myself - in my mind the opposite of perfectionism - is when it came to our remodeling our primary suite.

We had a really bitchen

wave on the wall

that we gaze at

while having our

morning coffee in bed.

My childhood friend

Caroline is truly

an artist and she

helped me create this

wonderful mural.

The background was a deep,

bright turquoise which no longer

worked for our future vision.

However, I really wanted to preserve

the art, a night beach scene with a perfect - oh no, there I go again,

a bitchen' little barrel

on one of the waves.

So, with great chutzpah, my friend Britney & I embarked on making the whole wall a mural - complete with a full moon, in hopes of minimizing the turquoise color. All done with our left over samples that we had from choosing the paint for the other three walls in our bedroom. We spent a few hours on it, we made a great start!

The next day, I proceeded to reach out to some artist friends to ask what's missing. I got some great guidance and proceeded to paint, paint and paint some more - over the better part of the next 3 or 4 days.

'Oh, it's perfect'...'it just needs one thing'....'oh too much'.....'not enough'.....'ugh, it's far from my vision now, the moon is funky, oh, it used to be so good'.... and on it went.

I'm stoked that I did it! I finally landed on a stopping point. I wonder.... could I paint in the future sans the roller coaster of emotions and critiques? Or is that just part of being an artist?!

I rested up and did not stop there.

Our bathroom was too light blue.

It needed just a little darker blue

to tie in the beige tile that had

darker veins of blue in it.

Plus the sea glass sinks were

not represented anywhere else.

The following week

I gathered up another

round of gumption,

envision a child with

a super hero cape on,

about to jump from

a tree and off I went

for more samples!

If you haven't gathered

by now... I've come to

love samples and

I love double daring myself.

My love of samples is new, for the first time I painted our house with Haley and Daphne (ages 15 & 12 back then) we just chose a really bold color for each room and always had white paint, plenty of white paint. Then, we would choose our accent wall and the other walls would be variations of that bold color by mixing varying amounts of white paint to it! Of course, don't ever expect to have paint for any minor repairs or patches! We didn't have the time for samples and experimenting, it was June of 2007 and we had a house to move into!

I digress,

back to our bathroom....

I rolled a dark blue

onto the walls

in hopes of breaking up

the light blue and

tying in the tile.

Then, I took eight samples,

yes eight and proceeded

to one by one,

sponge them onto

the rolled wall.

Who needs a gym

when you climb up and down

a step ladder countless times!

Once I was done with that, it felt like we were under water. So, why not lean into this?! I painted a lighter section at the top, as if you really were under the water looking up at the illuminated layer of ocean water. Hmm...let's make sure my intentions are clear, so I added a kelp forrest to seal the deal.

It took a little bit of time for my self critique to quiet down and for my inner child to fully embrace my creative work. Now, when I walk into our room I smile and when I walk into our bathroom I giggle and sing

Under the sea

Under the sea

Darling it's better

Down where it's wetter

Take it from me

I believe we are suppose to have fun, wear life loosely and color outside the lines. When I'm in this head space, there is no room for perfectionism. Yew.

I am going to continue including updates on our remodel, because we have a lot of fun ideas in the works and it's fun to share. Along with that, I'm going to add another subtopic that will be an ongoing feature and that is of our arrival of Pearl, our new puppy on May 16th.

Who doesn't love some cute puppy pics?! Of course, all the while infusing some thought provoking chats, for that is my hope - to bring up ideas that make us all go.... hmmm.

With love and gratitude for sharing this journey,

Shari